I have an--unfortunate or fortunate, depending on the situation--inability to recall detail from the past. My sister has become sort of an external hard drive, filling in memory gaps for me. At the time I want to rely on my shaky memory, though, it's suddenly a steel trap. Since the separation and divorce, a continuous loop of memories has played in my mind.
Reliving episodes from my marriage has led to so many questions. The primary question I've struggled so mightly with is: how should I regard the last 18 years of my life? I spent those years thinking I was the luckiest girl in the world to be married to my best friend. Does the fact that I now know my husband didn't reciprocate mean that I have to change the way remember those years? I spent those years thinking I couldn't have been happier. Should I now be grateful to have experienced that kind of happiness, or should I feel foolish to have deceived myself for so long?
Overall, I spend more time these days looking forward rather than backward. I'm proud of the progress I've made and the steps I've taken to build a new life. I'm overwhelmed by the true friendship and love I've found in those still around me. I realize there is no single answer to the questions I struggle with, and that my perspective on them is likely to shift from day to day, but I think coming to some understanding is critical to the next stage of the healing process.
At the risk of offering advice when you didn't ask for it, I would suggest that you are being hard on yourself. Just because at some point things changed doesn't mean all 18 years were ones you were being deceived. One of the interesting things about memories is that they are constantly being rewritten. The same events can be distorted and re-etched in our minds. I heard a fascinating piece on NPR yesterday that you might be interested in relating to these issues... the book was called Brain Bugs: How the Brain's Flaws Shape Our Lives. Maybe you would find the intersection of biology and personal experience helpful/interesting.
ReplyDeleteAs always, I'm here to listen and do what I can to help.
Chris, I second what Lisa wrote. Somewhere along the way, something changed for him. You can't assume it was 18, 15, or even 10 year ago. It may have been quite recent, which means most of those 18 years could have been just as you recall them. While I understand your dilemma and need to define this so you can move forward, you can't overthink it, especially since you may never get the answers. Sadly. In time you will remember the good, and the pain of this past year will lessen. You will recall the pain, but not FEEL the pain. I had a therapist make that distinction for me once. You might always remember the pain and hurt, but it won't always FEEL like it does right now.
ReplyDeleteYears after my divorce, my ex bumped into my aunt (who I am very close wtih and he used to be). In their conversation, he felt the need to tell her 'things weren't always bad" and that "we really did have some great years". My aunt decided to share those phrases with me. So in my case, I knew that his abrupt betrayal didn't need to define our total time together. I think it may be unusual to get this kind of 'feedback'.
Hang in there, you are still healing and I think you're doing a great job of redefining who you are!
Shari